Yesterday facebook memory sent me this picture. I shared it and it keeps getting likes and popping back up... like a reminder... so here I sit to type.
It's just a picture! But what a flood of emotions.This was taken 10 years ago when I had 8 weeks to go with our third son, Griffin who is almost 10. In this picture my innocence about the hardships of miscarriage and infant loss was fully intact. This picture is really beautiful but it makes me grieve a bit too. I'll be 40 in a few weeks and between this picture and now ~ 6 covenant children have left the sanctuary of my womb to dwell with God eternally.
This picture is that last pregnancy I was able to carry to term.
You know, years back a woman told me "You tell everyone about your problems." Whew. That one STUNG. And I kind of held it in after that. I did talk about it to closer friends and family a lot because it was my therapy. I'm a talker.😏 It wasn't the only time it was sort of suggested I should shush about my personal life. I'm thankful God has given me the confidence today to say that it I don't have to feel bad that pregnancy loss has been hard for me, and that it's something we should talk about more.
If I had lost a 3 or 5 year old child it would be acceptable to mention their name... I lost six covenant children, and sometimes I still feel funny talking about it. Why? Because I was 'only three months pregnant" I'm not really allowed to feel sad about it? They just "weren't meant to be"? I wish that in our conservative (United Reformed and Canadian Reformed) pro life churches would be pro life about the loss of pregnancy too. If an aborted baby is precious so is a miscarried one. Of course there are good experiences with sensitive people too. In our church a few weeks after I lost my last pregnancy at 12 weeks and was still recovering a covenant child was stillborn. The Pastor took me aside before the funeral and told me that everything he said at the funeral of that child was true for our children too. I think it helped me close the book a little. In one way it was so private, because all my pregnancies weren't known in the congregation. In another way I wished I could grieve with others as we were together as a church that day.
So the real reason I share my experiences with pregnancy loss is because I know there are women out there experiencing or having experienced what I did and they want to read something to which they can breathe an "AMEN!" And because I want to turn a difficult time in my life to something good, and helpful to others. It's a lonely pain. Even to your spouse it's difficult to explain the sense of loss when you loose a baby inside your body. It's hard to explain that attachment when you haven't felt them kick yet but you knew that they were there in the subtle changes in your body. I think now with the pro life movement gaining ground and the pictures we have of unborn babies it's almost harder because we know that they were alive and thriving for some time. But maybe it's not bad that it's harder. It's good to celebrate that they WERE and that they ARE.
Sometimes I read things online that make me roll my eyes and maybe someone will read this and do that... that's ok, you know what's good to remember? If it doesn't speak to you -- Scroll On! Maybe we all need that tattooed on our scrolling thumbs. Just kidding. But really. Everyone in this world is walking a path you know nothing about. Be Kind! (Preaching to myself here too... 😃)
God had a purpose in allowing me to become pregnant 6 times and wanting those children in heaven with Him. I do not pretend to understand it, but I can accept it. I have questions for sure. A woman I love told me that "Why is an OK place to visit but it's not a good place to stay." She's so right. We have to move on. We have to accept God's plan and say "God you have ordained this for me so I know you will give me the strength to endure it!" That's not to say I think God causes miscarriage. I think sin causes miscarriage and God uses difficult things to bring us closer to Him.
Because of miscarriage I have held my boys closer and dearer and spoken openly with them about life and death and babies in heaven and even abortion. Because of miscarriage I have learned to trust God even in the most uncertain times and understood that He can and will lift me out of the deepest chasm. Because of miscarriage I know that God has given me a man that loves me more than life itself. Because of miscarriage I have searched scripture and sung hymns and prayed fervently. Because of miscarriage I have connected to other women whose hearts have been broken by loss. Because of miscarriage I am writing this now.
There's no end to the bad stuff we're going to experience on a broken earth. There's no end to the pain and grief we'll suffer here. But God takes a broken world and uses it to draw us to Him and there's a daily miracle in that. I hope I can continue to see it every time a trial comes my way. And I hope those who have experienced trials that I have yet to go through will not stay silent but that they will walk along side me.
This is my love to any of you who are suffering and don't know how to push on. There were two scripture passages I leaned on in Psalms and they became my mantra. Even if God never gives you another child and that 'happy ending' doesn't come, you can be content. Keep asking Him for contentment. Send me a message if you need to... I'll pray for you, and I do pray for you even though I may not know you!
