This week I experienced my fourth successive miscarriage. I'm trying hard to sort through all my feelings and emotions and finding impossible. I have moments of confidence and long periods of self doubt. I know many people who look for the reasons God allows them to walk certain paths in their lives but I am struggling with the question: "Is it really ok to ask God 'Why?'"
For me the answer to this question is no. Asking why doesn't benefit me. Searching my life for some sin I have committed that could possibly have caused me to have to suffer this great grief again is heartbreaking and impossible. The sins are too numerous to count. If God was being fair I'd never have received a blessing in my life. God does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. (Psalm 103) But yet all around me people are having children and I am not. In my heart of hearts I still believe I may not ask God why... but it's awfully hard not to wonder.
One of my constant worries is that I'm doing a good enough job as a wife and mother. This week even though it was beyond my control I felt I failed at both. I feel my spirit broken within me. I feel a sorrow so deep and wide it's almost like there is no way over it. Maybe there isn't supposed to be. I understand the 'barren' women of the Bible and how they lamented and begged the Lord to turn his face to them again.
One thing that I have learned these last two years that I would like to pass on is this. When you are blessed, give of yourself and your love. Never pat yourself on the back for the blessings God gives you and never allow yourself to think you deserve them or they were earned. Be the good Samaritan and do not ask if the person deserves your love, because not one of us deserves God's love more than another. It has been said to me that maybe the Lord is trying to tell me something. I know that it's well meant but unless you know what the Lord is trying to tell someone (and I don't think you possibly can) then they are useless words. Unless it's just a nice way of saying... "Quit trying Amy..." In that case it's not the Lord trying to tell me it's the person saying it. I'd hesitate to say the Lord "tries" to do anything. He either does something or He does not.
There have been times in my life when I have found it very difficult to feel God's love for me. But I was raised to keep on praying and reading even when the Devil wishes to confound me.... so this week I will repeat Psalm 34:18 over and over and pray that I will soon feel it's truth.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
